In just over two weeks I will be moving over the ditch and taking on the world – alone. When everyone hears about my recent travels they get the sense that I am this independent, bold, strong and confident girl taking the world by storm. And, yes, I’m not oblivious to the fact that they have perhaps candy coated what I really am a little because they’re family. But, more or less, those are the feelings people usually share when they hear about anyone’s adventures. Which is all well and great, except, that I’m not! But I can obviously fake it, otherwise how else would I have found my way in Milan in a dodgy street where no one spoke English? And how else would I have haggled for my purchases in Dubai or gotten that discount on my food in Rome? I am good at putting on a front and breaking down when times get rough alone, in my bed, and probably usually on the phone talking to my parents. But I don’t know – and I don’t think – real travelers, real explorers, real gypsies feel that way. So how long can I keep going until I burnout? This is the biggest move of my life thus far – can I really fake this confidence or do I have to live with the fear?
I imagine my parents went through the same painstaking experience when they relocated us all to New Zealand somewhat twelve years ago. I can’t imagine having to move my fully built life in one country and move thousands of miles with my young children and start fresh in another. Moving to New Zealand was take two. A new chapter. I had to start at a new school, in a place where everybody spoke a language that I hardly ever utilized back home. But, it was easier back then when I was a petite carefree nine year old who had her family to lean on. Now, it’s my third take on life. I am repeating history but alone.
Is this move to Australia necessary to break me out of my inertia and actually live my life? Is this one of those experiences that I need to have to discover the world and its people for myself? Or, is it going to be something that is going to fail miserably and I will fall down face first and have nothing to show for myself? For it is the fear of failure that is making me so edgy about this shift. The fear that eats us all up. For once, I don’t think this is a fear that I can overcome.
How to overcome fear. Google that term and in milliseconds and you will have millions of people giving you advice on how to let go of your fears. But, I’m going to oppose all that’s out there and say – we don’t need to overcome all our fears. I don’t think I need to overcome the fear I have of moving to a place where I don’t even know one single person. It’s a fear that needs to exist, does exist and will always be there until the move happens and possibly quite a while after that! And you know what? That’s okay. For if it is was not here, I would not have any motivation for success, any drive to be organized or any will to make my new home, my happy place. For if it was not there, my parents would not have waited six months to accept a job that they thought they deserve, they would not have the will to succeed if they did not have fear driving them.
Fear is good.